MA: In the beginning I had a great deal of doubt and concern about my experience of Baba. From the beginning it has been a powerful experience of receiving amazing grace, kindness, personal guidance and profound teachings. But I could not figure out how this could be happening. Yet it was happening.
My heart was opened in deep spiritual love but my intellect kept doubting, not understanding my experience.
I wanted a clear explanation. At one point Baba simply said to me "your mind does not have the ability to understand your experience at this time. Simply accept what is happening and let go of doubt. It only brings you unnecessary pain." But for me this was easier said than done. How could I be receiving this guidance? How could I be so hopelessly in love with a presence that is not physical? Is it God? He said he is Baba, my Guru. But how does it work? Anyway, I went on like this doubting, as well as loving, for a number of years.
I kept my experience to myself, not want to stand out or be questioned about something I did not understand. Then something happened.
Again a period of profound mystical experiences began to unfold. I found myself in meditation every spare moment, lost in Divine love, hours on end, days on end. Baba was so close, my beloved was everywhere, in everyone, in everything. the dance of love became a sacred union. I saw chakras on the palms of my hands and soles of my feet radiating white light and marked with symbols I did not recognize. I drew the symbols and inquired and was told by an expert that they were the symbols of Shabda Brahma, Brahma in the form of subtle sound.
I felt the presence of Baba as my inner guru and as my physical Guru. He began to talk to me about something he called Guru Shakti and passing this to me. I didn't understand it. I had never heard the term. I did not know what he was talking about and when I did find out what it meant, I could not see how this could be real as it has something to do with a transmission of the shakti of the Guru. it did not make sense to me. I was no one and completely uninvolved in his organization. I wanted to do anything he asked of me, but I couldn't imagine me giving his teachings. It was too much of a stretch.
Then one day I saw Baba in subtle form and saw that he would leave the physical body soon.
I knew at that point that he knew. I wanted to go to India to be with him before he left. But he said I must wait, that I would not adjust to the situation around him. I wanted very badly to go, but he held me back until a few months later when I heard he had passed from this earth. Baba then said, "now you must come to India."
So I bought a ticket, left my children in the care of my husband and went to India for physical Guru,Baba's ritual of passing and cremation. It is a story too long to tell, but let it suffice to say I was challenged by what he was telling me internally and could not share it with anyone. Yet when I returned from this emotional journey,Baba began to ask me to start to share with others the teachings he had been giving for me all these years. He taught me to just listen to him and let the words flow through this body. Thus began the Baba flow and the Baba Talks, in which the teachings of Guru flow through.
As time has gone on I feel I have come to a better understanding of who and what Baba really is. He was right all those years ago when he told me I could not understand it at that time. But now I believe a have a deeper perspective. Over the years there have been those who have insisted it is channeling but Baba insisted it is not and I tend to agree with him. He said that channeling is between one entity and another but Baba is not a person or an entity.
Other people have thought that my Baba is Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, Baba, my physical Guru. To this I would say he is, and he is not.
My experience of Baba is that he is the one eternal Self, the true beloved of all beings, and in that sense he is the same as Shrii Shrii Anandamurti who was, indeed, an embodiment of the Sadguru, the One Self. However my Baba is not the physical person PR Sarkar, known as Shrii Shrii Anandamurti, who lived in India. I am very clear I am not channeling him.
But as time has gone on I have come to peace with the fact that the Divine source of Being, the one Beloved, can take form and dance the dance of love with human beings. That form can be any in which the Beloved chooses to appear, the Divine Mother, Krishna, Shiva, Jesus, Guru, or even an animal spirit. It is the play of consciousness, the dance of love between the jiva, small self and the Atman, the larger Self. When the love grows deep enough and strong enough, the dualities of form fade away and there is only the One Self.
Baba is the form that the Beloved has chosen to manifest in for me, to guide me and to teach through me. He is Guru, he is Self, he is the Beloved.